In a relationship there is no such thing as “MINE” everything is “OURS”
Fly ty and Jacinda ask the question should you sare everything!?
You are going to get married. You have substantial net worth. You have a business that you have built up over the years and it is now doing well. You are excited about your upcoming marriage and you don’t want to do anything that might take the excitement out of the process. Since you already own the business and you already have accumulated your worth, there seems to be nothing to worry about. After all, community property, as you understand it, encompasses that which you acquire during the course of your marriage. You already have the business and the assets going in, so in the off-chance it does not work out you will be okay financially.
What do you first think of when you hear the word “boundaries?” Lines? Fences? Walls? As a helper and recovering people pleaser that word tends to feel cold and mean to me. I visualize separation and loneliness. My whole life I’ve struggled with where to put that line with people to be genuine and intimate but also guarded and appropriately cautious. I’ve been guilty of having too many walls which led to loneliness and isolation and I’ve also been guilty of not having enough walls and letting go of too much of myself and being taken advantage of. I’m only just learning how setting proper boundaries with everyone in our lives is not just not mean, it’s the most loving thing we can do for others and ourselves.
We are wired for intimacy, but what is intimacy actually? It’s the knowing and sharing of yourself and receiving that of the other. The only way we can truly know others and ourselves intimately is knowing where we end and where others begin. That line is different for everyone and it can evolve over time. We have to define what makes us who we are, who we are uniquely called and created to be by God, what our identity is, what’s ok and not ok; defining where our control lies and doesn’t and what our choices are. By knowing how separate we are from others, we are then able to see where we fit with others.
Reading the book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend was the first step to me truly having my eyes opened to this concept. My mind was opened to the concept that having appropriate and responsible boundaries with others and myself is the most loving and freeing thing. It allowed me to find true intimacy with others and also to stand up for what’s not ok. Boundaries also led to opportunities to teach others how to be in relationship with me, equipping them to know me more.
I learned to assess my thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors, choices, desires and values and see what belonged to me and what didn’t. I learned that I was not responsible for others’ thoughts and feelings and they are not responsible for mine. Understanding that took so much pressure off of so many confusing interactions and took away the guilt and turmoil I felt when I owned too much. I realized when I take ownership of someone else’s thoughts or feelings, I’m actually crossing their boundaries.